Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You need a sexual gate keeper
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
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