party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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