so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
