i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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