just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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