You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
