you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
