Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
