Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
