Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
