Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
