I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Holy sore nipples Batman
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
