Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
