i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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