I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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