Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
