I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
