you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
