im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
