Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
