How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
