You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
