eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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