I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
