break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
