Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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