His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
