There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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