ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The beer is more important than you right now.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
