...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
