My first STD was from a foam party
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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