My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
