Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
