I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
