I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
