Too much gin, very little bucket
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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