dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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