there's paper in my vomit.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
