i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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