1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
