Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
