Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
