god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Last time i carry you out of a forest
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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