Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
