I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
