I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
