I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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