Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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