Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
