I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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