dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
